"i'm wired to thrive on dysfuncition." - gina linetti. she's my spirit animal. i was rewatching brooklyn 99 waiting for my sibling to text me so we can play pubg mobile together. i'm writing this in between matches. i'm getting so annoyed at this game. it's so true that video games tend to make you violent in my opinion.

i don't really know what else to write. but i want to have an entry for the 31st. i've been having some shortness of breath and yawning constantly these past few days and it's fucking getting me all worked up because i'm a hypochondriac.my mind just goes to the darkests of places whenever i feel physically off. i'm so fucking tense right now it's not fun. it's probably just my anxiety but i can't fucking shake off the feeling that something's wrong. why does my mind have to be wired so backwards? i wish i was neurotypical.

i just demolished a meal for two people before i write this. i finished watching dark! i finished it yesterday actually. the show's good. however i'm a bit underwhelmed with the ending. i don't know. kind of thought there'd be more to it. it sucks they didn't show much of agnes. the actress who plays it is unreal. i wanted to see more of her that i even watched this movie: despite the falling snow. yeah, i didn't like that one.

i watched some episodes of grey's today too. god, talk about getting comfortable at home. i'm trying not to give myself a hard time for not doing anything 'productive' these months. i really, really, want everything to get back to normal. i miss having a routine that doesn't revolve around waking up and watching as many tv episodes in a day.

the darkest of souls hide behind the most convincing facade albeit not absolutely. once in a while if you have a good eye, you'll see ever so slightly, the tenebrosity seeping through their pores. they reek of corruption. there's always that faint smell. most people don't even notice, but i've got a sensitive nose.

now don't get me started on those who fake the murkiness in their character. i know why you do it. it's easier to be the force than being the weak piece of shit that everyone walks all over. i get it. still, it doesn't take away from the fact that at the end of the day you're just a sad little child who weren't shown enough love growing up. i feel for you. i was like you, i guess. in some way or another. i used to think that i belonged in the darkness because that's all i ever seemed to find myself in. i even liked it in there, for a while. who knows, maybe a part of me will always do. because why try to escape the spiral when you can embrace it? that's how i used to think. such cowardly thinking, i now realize.

i don't know what the point of this monologue is. honestly. i'm not fake positive. i don't have that much of an energy for it. nor am i interested. i am just so sick of seeing through people. it's like, i want to believe you so bad. but i can't see anything past what everyone else doesn't see. do you know what i see? i see a weak person thinking weak things. i see a cry for help. i know that you want everyone to perceive you as some kind of a savage. you're not. savages don't go around parading and listing their mischiefs. you're not a savage, you're just some fucked up little kid who needs a hug.

holy. fucking. shit. i just watched the first episode of wentworth season eight oh my fucking god it is so fucking good holy shit holy shit holy shit!!!!!!!!! i feel like wentworth is the only show i watch where i feel so bummed when one episode is almost finished. it is so good oh my god. i can't. i have no words. there are three newcomers introduced this episode and i think a few more in the later episodes. i must say, i think i'm already falling in love with fingers kelly. i mean that's just my problematic taste in women talking but i'm into her. what can i say, i like them middle aged and bordering on psycho. she's manipulative, she's cunning, she's got a distinct personality which kind of reflects to mine in some way except i am not near as crazy. i don't know man, this show always gets me fixated on a character every single time.

she came into prison with her partner reb, a trans guy who is actually portrayed by a real trans actor this time. props for that. he looks like a twelve year old boy so i don't know about him but he's a good actor so far. i cried watching the strip search scene. it resonated a bit even though i'm not trans. i feel like i've had moments as a genderqueer person when i hadn't felt completely comfortable in the body i was born in. it's nice to see such representation. i also cried when vera showed her baby to the girls.

my niece had interrupted me because she doesn't plan on sleeping early. i'm writing this fifteen minutes later because she wanted to sit on my lap and watch some youtube. she's back. she just peaked up from the table i'm on right now and laughed. toddlers are a different breed.

really fucking dumb but, i had just thrown up. so, i was just in my laptop working on something and i saw these vitamins that my sister used to drink. i suddenly had the urge to take them. then i went all paranoid because what if it was already expired or shit like that so i tried to get rid of them but i didn't get rid of the vitamin c one. i'm such a stupid bitch sometimes. now my throat hurts and it reminded me so much about all of the times i stuck my fingers down my throat whenever i'd get drunk. i used to have a bucket near my bed at times because i just couldn't get up. i'd puke green shit. totally gross. i don't miss cognac or whiskey or any of those pricey liquor. i actually think too much alcohol (for context: i drank everyday as a job for ten months) cured my alcoholism somehow. i no longer even get drunk, i'd just get sick.

enough about that, i am so fucking excited for wentworth. today is the fucking day!!!!!!! oh my fucking god. there are so many new characters. i'm excited to get to know them all.

i'm eating an apple and some instant oatmeal as i write this. it's the second thing i've eaten today. it's quite good. i feel like i haven't binged today so that's awesome. anyhow, you may not have noticed but i haven't been updating as relentlessly and that is because i'm still working on my wentwoth fansite. other than that, i haven't been in front of the computer as much lately, in general. i've managed to make it responsive. i haven't updated it yet on neocities, but it's coming together pretty well. i'm currently filling up the 'characters' section of it. i found this site called tvtropes.org while reasearching about the show to refresh my memory and i don't know but i laugh at the way they label and describe the characters. i'm entertained and it's slowing my progress but it's so fun to read through!!!

i woke up this afternoon in tears. i had a ptsd related nightmare which sucked and i don't want to go into it. today was alright, though. i'm working on a project. i decided to make a wentworth fan site because why not. if you want to checkit out click here. that the randomosities site, i changed it. there's nothing in there yet but it looks quite nice already. i also got my mom to start watching 'dark' too. it feels good when you convince someone to watch a show you're watching for some reason.

right now i am playing pubg moble with my sibling. i almost forgot to write this down but i think it's worth mentioning that i have not eaten anything else today except for carbonara. yum.

this is me writing an entry just after hours with nothing in particular to really talk about. i don't even really fucking care bro i am just bored and i had too much sugar today so i am hyper as fuuuuuck. i binge ate sweets today haha not really funny but i'm a dumb bitch. this is why i'm so fat now i just can't fucking stop eating. it's so gooooooood to eat though. wait, let me go weigh myself real quick. okay i'm back, i'm still 47 kilos phew. i need to stop fucking around and get back in shape bro this isn't cute at all.

unrelated: i want to be a soft butch so bad and i guess i kinda am already but my voice is so fucking high pitched it just doesn't want to cooperate. the other day i was being a toxic ass mean bitch on pubg mobile and i cursed out these loud ass bitches and this girl really said, "this 12 year old girl thinks she's the shit." i tell you i wasn't even offended bro i just found it so funny that they thought i was twelve the other one even said, "you can mute us sweetie you don't have to listen to us," in a grown up voice. i-

also unrelated: women are so beautiful and i can't fucking contain myself with how beautiful all women are.

again, also unrelated: i just found something that, nvm. by the way, this is my only site and the randomosities.neocities.org one which i use to pracitce html and css with.

i didn't write yesterday because i wasn't in front of my laptop all day for a change. i spent all of yesterday singing. i miss it a lot and lately my voice is dry af but yesterday it was alright. oh, yesterday i also tried watching matilda. it's one of my favorite shows. i didn't finish it, though. i'll blame my adhd for that.

i started watching 'dark' some days ago. well, half-watching. i doubt i'll fully grasp what this show's about because i like to multitask when i watch shows these days, plus, it's in german (?) i think. i refuse to watch it dubbed out of respect too so it's hard to follow up without looking at the screen all the time.

only five more days until wentworth season eight!!!! i am so fucking excited. it's the best goddamn show ever. i don't know what else to tell you.

i'm yawning so much today. why am i yawning so much? why does it feel like i never get enough sleep?

each day i feel less and less about... everything. everyday, the apathy grows stronger and stronger. maybe i'm wrong, maybe i still feel as strongly as always because i almost cried today, but then i didn't. it's like... in a split second the feeling was there and then it wasn't. it's empty. i'm empty. there's nothing. why is that?

earlier i suddenly realized how much has happened during the ten whole months i worked in the hell hole, how it changed my life. i was thinking to myself, "how could i stay so long in a place i so clearly don't belong to?". then i thought, do i really not belong there with all those other women? i always saw them beneath me. in my mind, i wasn't like them. i had aspirations, i had a dream, that wasn't going to be my life forever...

but what is my goal? what are my aspirations? i don't have any. i just realized that today. i don't even know when i stopped having plans. did i ever have any? in retrospect i am doubting i ever had any concrete, long term plan on how i want to go about my living my life, considering all the decisions i've made in the past. i am just like those women. it doesn't matter so much how highly i think of myself compared to them because we all ended up sucked into that life. they probably didn't have anything else left. they probably had no other choice. but i did, and doesn't that make it worse? doesn't it make me worse? because i had a choice not to live like them but i decided to go in that route. and for what? life experience? was it even worth it? i crossed so many lines. i did so many things i would have never done. are those even supposed to count for something? what is the fucking moral lesson that i should be learning here? my psych professor always regarded me as insightful. what is my insight on all those months? i mean, i know i have one. but for some reason, i can't really reflect on it. i don't know if it's because i'm trying to shove that whole phase into a corner in my mind so that i will never have to revisit any of it again, or if it's because i just... have been so damaged to the point that i can't even process my feelings anymore. this is fucked. maybe i'm just in a dark place right in this moment. i'll know to look at things in a much better light when i get out of this spiral that i so happen to be in right now.

fuck i just realized i'm rambling without giving any context. i mean if you read my shit you'll know what hell hole is but if you don't, well. uhm, it has to do with sex work and all that jazz. (no i didn't work as a stripper but something in that spectrum. i have xenophobic tendencies towards chinese people because of it which is irrational and i am working on it.)

anyway, i am so fucking excited about wentworth. that's really it. july 28th! fucking hell yeah. i miss my queens. i love this show.

today i had a migraine and if you read my previous entry you will know why. thank god for ibuprofen though. i'm starting to believe that theory on daith piercings and migraines because i had an almost but not really daith piercing before. i basically had so many piercings on my ears idek where and what they're called. now i have 0. not even my conch piercing which took so long to heal. i am kind of upset i forgot about it by accident and now it's closed up. alright before i get sidetracked, i had so many piercings right, and apparently daith piercings cured migraines and i didn't have migraines for like two years. i was in front of the computer a lot in 2018 and i wasn't getting migraines, but now that i have no piercings suddenly i get migraines????? wtf is that shit. anyway, i made a new site to test some layouts. that's all, and i haven't showered today yet which i will probably do before i sleep. i only haven't showered about three times in the entirety of quarantine (four months now) because it's hot as fuck in here. i hope i don't get lazy. if i do, just know that it's the migraine. it's fucking incapacitating. let me end this entry by saying that i am eating chips with milk.

i just found out earlier this morning that my sister's husband tested positive for the corona virus and i'm not celebrating but i guess karma really is a fucking bitch, hey. i am very worried for my nephews' and siblings' health though since they've been in contact with him for a week before they got test results. anyway, let me not get into that. in other news... lots of coffee today and now a hot chocolate. guess who's going to stay up all night again. by the way, please chat with me i'm bored. i can help you out with your site with what i know so far. also, i am an awesome friend.

i feel like life is happening for everyone around me while i sit around quite literally watching it all from a distance. does that even make sense? do i care at this point?

i contacted sha yesterday. i did it. i feel bad, but i was so bored. she says she misses me and she expressed how much with a series of emojis. i didn't say it back. i am not big on emojis. we just caught up with each other's lives. funny as fuck to me but, i just found out through her that hell hole got raided oomf. they spent a night in jail she said. that part is truly fucked though. apparently management had to pay 700k in fines, and for bail. i mean i knew they were operating because i snooped through jay's insta and she posted about going back to work but i wasn't sure. that's what they get for operating in corona times. no one's above the law bitch. speaking of jay, i didn't ask sha about her because i know she'd think i'm not over her. she fucking translates what i feel for jay as some kind of a crush, or love, which i don't blame her for because that's how it appears. what she doesn't understand is how truly pathological my mind works. i've talked about my hyperfixations before so i won't elaborate. anyway, i wrote about these two in my previous journal entry so you might want to read that for context. what's funny though, is that their names that i'm trying to conceal aren't even their real names. we all have fake names in hell hole. i was polly there. i know, cringe. weird to think people actually associate me with that name. i never did like that name, i only used it because when i was still working an office job our operating manager used to call me polly pocket because of how i looked (like a polly pocket, apparently. my hair was a different color literally every week.).

i'm spilling out so much here. i genuinely hope none of my irls find this. i mean, most of them. of course there are certain somebodies i hope somehow finds their way through here so they can, i don't know...

when i started out this site i had linked it to my instagram which is basically my only social media where i still have some irls following me. when i realized what i could make of this space, i removed it from there so i can be free to lay myself out in here without second thoughts. i doubt anyone even checked so i think i am good.

i'm kind of pissed at my voice because it's been so dry and i hate it. speaking of my voice, here's me singing terribly. i will eventually put up a page for song covers but in the mean time i'll put them up here.

by the way, that photo you see is my face morphed with billie eilish's face. earlier i was fucking around with faceapp and i just about morphed my face with like thirty beautiful women. we made some pretty beautiful love childs. want to see? i'll post them tomorrow if i feel like it.

my life is boring right now. nothing is happening and i'm sick of it. i'm thinking about reaching out to some of the friends i dropped (ones i worked with). i want to reconnect with sha [not her actual name] because i am bored and want someone to talk to but i'm deciding against it because it's not fair to her. i can't keep using people like that. i feel guilty whenever i think about how i've treated some of my friends. i guess it's not my fault that i lose interest in being friends or caring about someone but i'm aware that i still hurt them and that's not something i take pleasure in knowing.

why is it that when someone is nice to me, i always end up taking advantage of their kindness? i only ever start to mistreat people when they let me. sha just put up with my shit. i wasn't a good friend to her and she was an amazing friend to me. there are days i won't even acknowledge her existence, i'd walk past her in the halls and pretend i don't see her. then talk to her the next day like nothing happened. there was a point when she must have thought we could be together, because i probably lead her on. but she knew i was into someone else. two of them. i never stopped talking about them to her and it would piss her off. she wasn't perfect, i don't like how she always gets in my way whenever i try to be closer to jay [also not her real name]. speaking of jay, i miss the feeling i get whenever i'd see her. there was such a high in it -- examining another person, all the while pretending like they don't exist to me. jay was that for me for a couple of months. what drew me into her is not only the fact that i think she's genuinely beautiful (even though sha would disagree, so does my other friends. they all say i have bad taste in women.) but it's also because i can feel she's not simple minded like 99% of the girls in hell hole [this is what i'll call my previous job from now on]

i know these attractions are pathological, and so i know how to control it better than i used to. but when will i ever be attracted to someone in a genuine way? not as a result of my mental illness? what's wrong with me that i only ever feel things for those who are unavailable to me?

i have been having some stabbing chest pains from slouching all day. i need to start working out again!!! my abs are about to dissolve if i don't. okay, next month i will start working out again and that's a promise. speaking of promises, i still haven't finished watching wings. i need to stop messing about.

it's been raining today. i kind of enjoy it even though it makes me feel even lazier. god i've become so lazy. i mean i've always been, but fuck man this is taking it to another level. i'm getting too comfortable not having any responsibilities. this corona shit needs to get fucked already. i am done trying to stay indoors now. i need to get the fuckity fuck out and get a job. there are some options to work from home but i'm not feeling that. plus i decided against phone interviews because it's a lot more terrifying than a face to face interview. i've only ever gone on a job interview once and i got that down. (for context: i've worked two jobs. the second job i worked for i didn't need to be interviewed they just looked at me.) i'm so terrified of being rejected and so that's why i don't want to get on a phone interview because it's hard to make an impression when you can't see someone's face and their body language.

oh, i meant to write this down. i have a song that's been stuck in my head. it's one in my language. i don't usually like opm songs but this one's awesome. i love it. listen to it, it's called 'hanggang dito na lang' and it's sung by jaya. god, her voice is divine.

deep conditioned my hair today which feels pretty nice considering i've been washing my hair every 4 days because i have so much hair fall recently. the cheap mic that i ordered came today! i'm so excited to make some song covers. i may even share them here some day. i love singing even though i'm barely mediocre. it's one of the things i only do for myself. another thing, about the movie i was supposed to watch (wings), uh~ i kind of have yet to finish that. i know, i suck. i will finish it within today, promise.

mother and i are on good terms again. earlier we were talking about the topic of career while she put my niece to bed. we usually like to talk about other people and bringing up previous life events. i like moments like these, i wish we never fought.

on the other hand, today i decided to to watch all of the oscar winning films starting from 1928. what better way to kill time this quarantine? i'm starting with the first one of course, this one's called 'wings'. i'm going to be honest, i don't appreciate silent films because i have adhd and i can never focus. i'm trying really hard to finish the movie so i can write about my insight on it but it's not registering. i'm already out here doing something else instead of finishing it. in my defense it is the middle of the day which means my adhd is at it's peak. i think i'm going to finish it before i sleep later tonight.

my mind is currently filled with the image of ava sharpe(for context: she's my current hyperfixation. it's going to last for probably four months until i move on to another fictional character.) and my maladaptive daydreaming ass is already out there making a village where she's my queen. why am i built like this? this isn't normal. well... i better go back to my imaginary life with ava sharpe now. laters.

my life is pathetic and i don't want to be here anymore. anywhere but here surrounded by these corrupt people i call family. my mother is starting to piss me off again so much. i guess i can't avoid being one of her punching bags when i literally choose to spend time around her instead of staying locked up inside my room like i usually do. how silly of me to think that she'll change if i change how i handle her bouts of frustrations that she always directs on to me. we fight and shout abuse to each other, i don't talk to her for days. then eventually we'll be alright. the last one was one of the worsts, i thought it changed us for good. i guess now i know there's no breaking this cycle when your parent is a narcissist. nothing will ever work for this dysfuctional relationship.

i know she's frustrated that i've been home for four months. earlier this morning she joked about me being too comfortable, and not having any problems in the world, just sitting my ass off on my laptop all day singing la-di-da. look, this isn't my choice. (okay it is a little but listen, the corona virus is not my fucking fault, alright.) had things been normal i wouldn't be stuck here. i have worked my ass off in the last two fucking years. this is not the life i want for myself. not now, not ever. my two brothers have never worked a day in their fucking lives and they're in their thirties. i am not a problem. i am not just being lazy for no fucking reason. this is the pandemic's doing. do you think i want to be stuck here with the awful lot of you, mom? no. i'd rather be out there in the world making poor decisions. because what's another poor decision going to do with my already messed up life? anything would be better than this. anything. and if i wasn't so scared to catch a fucking disease, or unmotivated to get out and socialize again i would be out of that door in a fucking second.

it always be the people who are too aggressive on the internet that have the weakest fucking personalities in real life. i don't mean weak as in bland. i meant the kind that would probably cry when you raise your voice at them. i swear. it's funny. you got a bad attitude online? i would love to see how you deal with people in real life. it's displacement is what it is.

anyway, let me go to bed because i'm done as hell for the day, i'll do more polishing of this tomorrow. if you see any typo just ignore it.

i decided to put off looking for a job until the end of this month. it's mostly because i'm lazy as fuck at the moment for some reason. the thought of working at another desk job doesn't exactly spark excitement in me. plus, it's wentworth season this 28th! i will probably wait until commute and train stations get back to operating. it's just too much inconvenience right now. also, i got sick. just some cold but it's an excuse. i'm all for making excuses right now. anyway, today i think i am going to toy around making another 'simple' web layout that can be responsive. not too colorful. probably just shades of black and teal because those are my favorite colors. oh~ i started sleeping 'normally', yesterday i slept at around 5pm and then woke up today at 7 am. i'm not liking it, it's like i'm not inspired or creative when my schedule's like this. it's probably evident from the lack of changes in my site. at least i'm not annoying you for a couple of days. whatever.

yesterday i said i was going to talk about my binge eating. i'm going to try and go about this in a positive way although i'm not sure how to start. alright, let me go through the facts first. within the last five years i've probably gained around 22 pounds. now you might think that's a lot, it's not really. i was 35 kilos at 16, i was thin but i didn't really look malnourished. i am at 47 kilos now at 21 years old. totally healthy, i'm not at all obese or anything considering my height.
have i ever been unhappy with my weight? recently, yes. well, not with my weight in particular, i guess it's my shape i'm not too happy about. don't get me wrong i have a nice body, but sometimes i see what it used to look like and i can't help but compare.
now, with binge-eating, it's actually a problem i've had for a long time. it's only recently that i've been acknowledging it. when i think back to my last year of high school and all of university, i realize i've always turned to eating as a stress relief. everyone around me always notices that whenever they see me, i'm always eating. my psychology professor at the time even likes to joke about it. she tells me that i always have food in my hand every single time she sees me when i pass through her in the halls. i even used to bring food to her class and she lets me eat sometimes. i remember one of my mates would tell me, "you eat way too much. are you even human?". at the time, i never thought much of it thinking it was normal. people used to envy me because i could eat so much and not gain any weight. it is true that i have pretty fast metabolism. it's only when i started working out in 2017 that i gained so much. then i stopped working out everyday, but the appetite remained the same. then there's the drinking. i think i blame alcohol the most, specially, for the very little fat in my belly. anyway, my relationship with food these days is a bit unhealthy. there are days when i feel like eating clean, and planning out a diet. i would even do intermittent fasting. then there are days when i would literally just eat everything and anything that's available. those days mostly come when i'm stressed out. some days i don't even eat anything, i could go for 24 hours without eating because i wouldn't be hungry. this usually happens when i'm manic and too focused on a certain task. it's like a cycle that i can't seem to resolve. i just try to remind myself everyday of the facts, it usually keeps me from slipping. i wanted to write about this (in a very unorganized way because my mind is a bit spacey at the moment) because it hasn't been easy this week. i'm slipping again. i was doing so well. it seems that the more i put pressure into controlling what i eat, the more i tend to break and go on a binge. how do you go about that? i'm still figuring it out myself.

i had just woken up. i slept through most of yesterday. at around 5pm i drifted off and woke up at 1:30am randomly but i just put on a youtube video as background so i can go back to sleep. i'm sleeping in my own room now because my mother is sick and i seem to have caught it which pisses me off. i just noticed i lost a few of my recent journal entries. it's because i haven't had them saved in my brackets for some reason and when i made changes i didn't realize they were gone. i want to talk about my binge eating here but i am not yet fully awake so i'm going to go collect my souls and probably have some coffee and food and get right back.

this is exactly why i like the midnight. at 2 something am no one is on my fucking face about anything. no one is loud and obnoxious because everyone's already asleep. i guess i can just go in my room. i don't feel like moving, though. god maybe fixing my sleep schedule wasn't such a good idea. i'll just go watch some tv series. i can't think. there's too much noise. too loud. everyone around me is loud as fuck. no one knows how to use an indoor voice around this place. make them fucking stop.

so i slept at around 6:30pm yesterday having woken up at 11:pm the night before. this sort of 'fixed' my sleeping pattern because i woke up this morning at around 3 am. yesterday, i had started to 'accidentally' make a song in like five minutes. these are moments when i wish i had learned more about music. because honestly i have a pretty decent knack for good melody and lyrics but i have no idea how to go forward about it. singing for me has always just been a hobby, but i'll try to explore this more. as for the current, most of my pages are a bit done and viewable although not entirely polished. i've also just been starting to check out other sites more to actually immerse myself in the content of other webmasters and i'm having a grand time. you all are seriously so talented and i admire the effort you put into personalizing your own space so much. i love seeing people's arts and reading them talk about things they love. i try to filter out the obnoxious whiney shit because i am not in the right head space about to absorb that negative crap but i still love when people share their feelings in terms of their mental health. (to a certain extent, lines should always be drawn. everywhere) it inspires me even better when those people are continuously working on themselves.
another thing: to address this--because i feel like i haven't yet--i honestly didn't expect to have many people interacting with my site having only joined less than a week ago. for that, i'm happy and i appreciate it so much. hope y'all are having as much fun time browsing through here as i did when i made all them pages. anyhow, i'm going to go make myself another cup of coffee now before i start on this new experimental project thing i have in mind. i'll try to water it down because coffee makes me palpitate but it's just so good hehe. write later.



writing this after: godfuck why do i never proof read and see like ten typos afterwards and have to fucking edit it multiple times after already publishing an update im so trigger fucking happy.

i just realized i haven't onced talked about quarantine here, nor have i talked about how i discovered neocities. well, let me do that. as you can probably see, i made this site on the 22nd of june when i found out about it a couple of days back because of this yotube channel that i love called ready to glare. she featured someone who had a neocities and i was just really more curious about this website than that current video topic. anyway, i got bored and so i tinkered around with it a bit. i have adhd so i get pretty zoned in when i am interested in something. you may think i have so much time in my hands that i'm currently updating so often. well, you'd be right. i do.
we're still quarantined, and right before it actually started i had already quit my job as an entertainer at a high end lounge to go back to working a 'normal' job. in addition, i pretty much deleted my social media like i have always done to cut my associations with all of my previous 'friends'/colleagues. i don't know why i always do that but it's become routinely at this point. it's weird because, it's not like i don't get emotionally attached because i so do. it's more like, i can turn it off whenever i want. when it's necessary, rather. as of right now i do not have much of a social life. which in the beginning, was such a relief considering how eventful all of last year had been for me. as of the moment though, i am not sure how i feel about it anymore.
moving on... i was planning to apply to a proper company and continue my studies again. life, as we know, doesn't always go as planned. corona happened and it fucked with us all and now i am stuck at home. i've been working since i turned nineteen and i am now twenty one and it sucks not being able to work or get out. i'm thankful i'm priveleged enough to have support so i am not complaining too much; but honestly, i would much rather choose the responsibility. i could go out and get a job technically, but my mother's not too keen on the idea. so, for the mean time, i am not busy with anything important. the good thing is i am learning. i mean, i learned some basic html, i'm writing more often, and i have all this time to figure out my crap so i'd be better equipped once i get out in the real world again.

tw for a major rant i'll try not to talk about this anymore in future but i just need to express this now -- i saw yet another page who glorifies the tragic columbine shooting. god fucking damn it i get it you're sick in the head and needs help but fuck. if you're doing this for aesthetics i hope someone bashes some sense into your skull. i know my way of going on about this is a bit countereffective but i am so sick of looking through all of these sites who really think this is okay. you might argue with. "oh it's my site i can do and post whatever i want". okay let's say that. but really just think about how pathetic your use of this platform is. i love this platform and mostly everyone's real awesome and i understand that some people need this to vent and i totally support that. however, when you start talking about hurting other people and following certain footsteps in doing so, that is taking it into another level don't you think? most of you are trend fucking setters with this bullshit. tragedies are not a fucking banner for you to parade around. monsters aren't role models. most importantly, pathological thinking is not a fucking aesthetic. i see through you. you're not some savage fuck that you think you are just because you want to express how much you want to hurt other people. that makes you sad and weak and foolish. get some proper help.

on teenagers --
now that i am becoming more of an adult myself, im suddenly starting to understand why i've always felt that most adults have some kind of animosity towards teenagers. it's almost something to the extent of repulsion.admittedly, i feel that sense of disinclination towards them sometimes, now more than ever. of course, i try to rise above it because i know should know better.

in erik erikson's theory of psychosexual development, he claims that teenagers are in the stage of 'identity vs. role confusion'. i've learned all this from psych class a while back when i was a teenager myself, actually; but it's just nowadays that i've been having more insight on it. his theory basically explains why teenagers, by nature, are generally stubborn motherfuckers who are entitled as anything and think the world owes them everything. now, i'm not trying to shit on teenagers, it's reasonable for them to be like that, as per this theory. i don't want to go too deep into the psychological aspect of things because i'm sure no one is interested in that. let's just say: i had been a teenager myself. heck, if i had met my teenage self, we wouldn't get on for sure. it's not that i don't like who i used to be and certainly not because i don't like who i've become, none of that self-hating bullshit. it's because we wouldn't see eye to eye on anything. it's natural for me to look down on my underdeveloped teenage self because it is an inferior version of me, which is alright. in reciprocity, my younger self would think i'm some self-righteous, patronizing prick who reckons she must be superior just because she's 'older' and has had more experience. anyway, i don't really know where i'm getting at with this talk. i guess i was just reading up on all these teenagers who expresses themselves online like the world has stomped on them. again, not invalidating them. as i said, it's understandable that they feel that way. i know i did. i just want to share that in my experience, this way of thinking that i used to hold on to so dearly as a teen, no longer really represents who i am today. which means, life does get better, and i was basically in over my head.

okay i am ending this right here because my godmother is sitting across me as i type and won't shut the fuck up and she had just rammed into my train of thoughts with nonsensical blabber about me and my sibling's ages. do you ever feel like a lot of old people would spend considerable amount of time talking about things that don't even need to be talked about? and they're so repetitive aren't they? holy shit, this is a bit... meta. well, maybe when i turn into my fourties i will understand why my aunt is like this. nah, unlikely. she's rather simple this one.
on an unrelated note: i updated my shrines. there are two more pages i need to work on (women and gay ships) but i will do that tomorrow.