i resigned from my new job. i don't know. i wasn't happy. i didn't like what i was doing. i feel really disappointed in myself but what can i do? i can't be dragging myself to work everyday. it's not healthy. i reckon i need a month break from working. i can't do anything these days. i just want to lie down and watch and eat. i'm even getting fatter by the day. i weigh 50 kilos now. it's fucking horrendous.

day four of my training for my new job. i'm earning almost double now. i don't really know what to say. i just wanted to type. i love this keyboard. i can type for hours. i'm trying not to fall asleep. i still have an hour and a half left of this shift today and we're on camera so i can't lie down because we're being watched.

my medication is working i think. but i have not a single thought in mind. probably more of a good thing than bad. it's definitely a good thing that i don't have to fight for sleep every single day.

i am so grateful.

yesterday i had my second psychiatric consult. my psychiatrist upped my dose for sertraline and i'm now on 50mg while my dosage for olanzapine stays the same. i think i may also need to go and try therapy, as in cbt. i was so against it but i think now it might actually be beneficial for me to have someone to talk to. i don't know, i haven't fully decided yet.

i got diagnosed with major depression and apparently they're ruling out bipolar disorder. somehow it feels comforting to have a diagnosis. although, i don't know if i fully identify with being depressed. i don't fully know what it means to be depressed, anyway. so maybe i do have depression. one thing i know is i have anxiety. well, the meds are helping and i'm glad i chose to get help.

oh, i quit my job and i am starting a new one that pays almost double. how cool is that?

it's an understatement to say i don't know where to start. it has been a long time since i wrote here. i removed all previous entries because i felt lazy and they were exhausting to keep up with. Well, i didn't remove them yet. i just don’t link them anymore.

over the last few months, i have been buried in work. maybe not 'buried' perse, but pretty much it’s all i’ve done. nothing crazy happens anymore, and i prefer that. i think. i mean, there have been some tough days stretching on to weeks but it’s hard for me to talk about things that have passed.

my mental health is the most stable it’s been. it’s probably the meds. i went to a psychiatrist to get help and i was prescribed medication for anxiety and insomnia. i take 25mg of sertraline and 2.5mg of olanzapine for sleep. there haven’t been any side effects except for the dry mouth and some nausea; but that only lasted for the first two days. it’s been a blessing, honestly. i wasn’t sleeping well before going on medication and now i do. My mind is mostly quiet now, and the intrusive thoughts have lessened. i fidget a lot more, though. oh well, I am getting reassessed next week.

i may also consider CBT. i haven’t decided on it yet. it just so costs much money to get help around here. i don’t get paid enough that i can save and still go to therapy regularly. My health card doesn’t cover it, unsurprisingly. the meds are also very expensive. i don’t know. i will bring it up with my psychiatrist and ask for her opinion. maybe i will also ask her to refer a psychologist.

i will talk more about this in the future. for now, here’s my little update.