the 31st already, damn!!! i wanted to have an entry for the end of this month and good thing i have something to talk about. around 6 pm today i received an email from one of my recruiters and they were asking for the required documents. it turns out i have them ready. i mean hopefully what i've sent out will suffice. i then had to fill forms and it took me quite some hours to get everything completed. they low key stressed me out but i'm glad that's all over and dealt with. i just have to wait for their response.

another thing, i just finished making my third batch of clay. i haven't mentioned it but yesterday i started working on a sculpture and it's coming together but it's not nearly done. it's like 30% done. i'm liking where it's at so far.

i didn't make an entry yesterday because i felt lazy and i did mostly nothing anyway. i watched a quiet place and it wasn't scary. i also tried watching warrior nun but i got quite bored so i haven't finished the first episode yet but i plan to watch it because there's apparently some gay. overall, the shows i'm currently watching are: vis a vis(s4), orphan black(s4, rewatch), amar a muerte (episode 3?), and warrior nun. i don't know if i want to continue rewatching grey's anatomy. i would be on s15 but i honestly am not feeling up to it knowing that arizona is no more in that season and the following ones. i might rewatch it from the beginning.

there's nothing really more to talk about, i think i might make hot choco and just chill before going to sleep.

oh, wait. i just remembered. my brother was being a pain in the ass earlier. this man is literally in his 30s. he kept pestering my mother asking for some cigarettes. he's so hopeless. he stole from my mom the other night and that's why my mom refuses to give him any more. he went on for hours and hours trying to get some. he's so fucking pathetic.

alright, i think that breaks down today (and yesterday). about to go make my hot choco now.

i slept super late last night, around 2 am. i think i only had around 6.5 hours of sleep so i feel lethargic the whole day. yesterday i received a response for the assessments i did saying i am to move forward to the next process.i didn't really do much today. i started working on a zine. the last time i made one was in college.

i'm currently watching 'the shining'. needless to say i am bored as fuck of this movie. it's not scary, it's not even creepy. the only thing that bothers me about this movie is the woman. her face annoys the hell out of me and i can't look at it. had i been his husband i would have totally lost my mind too. he part where he made out with the old woman cracked me up to be honest. the little boy is cute though. i'm currently on the part where the little boy is holding a knife. i'm bored. i honestly don't like watching horror movies because they traumatised me as a child and i always thought i'm easily scared but i guess not anymore? i don't know. oh the bald guy is hacking their door down now. should be a fun scene. i want to watch another movie after this. probably a romantic comedy. those are my favorites. or maybe i should rewatch 'the boy with the striped pajamas'. i love that movie, it always makes me cry. maybe another horror movie? i don't know any good ones though. if you're reading this i need recommendations of the scariest movies you've watched. ugh the wife is doing the face again it's so fucking annoying, man. on the other hand, johnny's facial expressions are funny as heck. he's so animated.

i feel like most of my recent entries have really been empty and well, that's because i don't really have much to talk about when it comes to what happens in my day. it's been the same shit over and over again for months. nothing really changes except for my levels of anxiety. another reason is because i haven't really been feeling like talking much about what i've been thinking or feeling. i'll try to change that.

well, today i woke up to a text from the company i applied to. i spent most of the day waiting for their call. they called me at 6:00 pm. of course, my mother decides to fucking hover around while i'm on the phone when i specifically asked her time and time again if i can have the room for myself (it's the only room with good mobile signal) when i start speaking to someone for my interview. this put me in such a negative mood to be honest. i can't understand why she feels the need to do shit like that. i did a whole set of assessments after that including a verbal assessment which i personally think went well.

from how this all went down i remain to be optimistic about it. the thing that i'm only really worried about is when it comes to my requirements and when they start asking for all of the documents they need from me. i haven't got that shit sorted out.

yesterday, i slept in pretty late. i started trying to go to sleep at 10:30 but i think i didn't sleep until 12 am because i was listening to these random podcasts as i normally do and i was having a hard time drifting off to sleep. i think i'll sleep pretty late tonight too, i had coffee just hours ago. not a good idea. i guess i'll just spend the rest of my night watching vis a vis. speaking of this show, i fucking can't handle how heavy this shit is that i usually have to skip over some parts because the suspense at times, can be pretty intense for me. it's so problematic and i feel like the only thing that's making it not classified as a telenovela is the cinematography. still a pretty good watch, though, in my opinion.

i woke up at 8 today. quite late considering i've been waking up at 5-6 am for a week. today was spent mostly watching vis a vis. i forgot to mention, i finished season 2 of trinkets yesterday. i think there's no more seasons after that one. i don't know. i love that show. on the other hand, vis a vis is some heavy shit. i don't really feel like watching shows like these anymore because they put me in such a weird state but i kind of am starting to like this show now. it's no wentworth, for sure. but it's fine.

i woke up to an email from the other job i applied to today. i did the second part of some online assessment shit. i don't know how i did. fuck i am a little nervous about this whole thing. i'm trying not to think much of it.

do you ever feel like it's over for you? that's exactly how i feel right now. i'm so young but i feel so used up. like there's nothing more for me to do... to experience... nothing more for me to learn. not that i know everything now. i don't know shit. it's the wanting to learn, the wanting to do. it's the wanting to be. it's the wanting.

i know that's not the reality of my situation because i know there are so much i haven't done and learned and so much i could do. but that's how i feel in this moment. as i've said, it's the wanting.

they haven't called me again yet. i don't think they're gonna today. . ugh i'm so stupid for blowing them off yesterday. why couldn't i have just taken that call? i'm dumb as fuck for that ugh i am stressed out. i really hope they call me again. the other company i talked about previously also texted me this morning to tell me they're going to call me tomorrow or thursday. another company i randomly applied to also texted me but i kind of changed my mind on that particular one so i'm going to ignore it.

one good news i can share though is that my mom won a 65" smart tv in some raffle shit so that's dope as fuck. she's having some rashes though and i am really worried about it considering her age.

right now i am binge watching pitch perfect performances to take my mind off things. i love pitch perfect. i am so stressed out about this shit ugh i don't know what the fuck to do. i way overthink everything and it's so not cool. i'm going to just jam to this bomb ass music, maybe make something to eat. i'll try not to think too much about this shite anymore.

some weeks ago i applied to this other company (not the one i talked about previously) and they've now just texted me and asked for some info which i replied to and then they called me just minutes ago. surprisingly, i received the call even though there's no fucking reception in my room. anyway, i panicked so i fucking asked to reschedule and i asked them if they could call me back tomorrow. i really fucking hope they call me back. my data reception is shit so i really don't fucking know what i'll do tomorrow ugh. i could barely understand the chick on the other line. fucking shit.

on a completely unrelated note, 'your body on my body' is playing right now and it's making me feel some type of way. i miss being touched.

bro i cyber stalked the girl i used to be obsessed with (and sort of dated, it was messy as fuck. i wrote about this shit in my gallery section but i deleted that entry because it had my face in it) in 2018. that whole entire year was so weird for me, like 2018 me and 2020 me are far too different from each other. let's not even talk about 2019 me.

i never talk about this girl here because she's irrelevant to me now but i am just kind of curious about the shit she's up to so i would check on her ig sometimes. i mean i am a hundred percent genuine in saying that i don't feel anything for her anymore but you know sometimes you still get curious. and omfg i can't right now i am shrieking. snyway, so this girl used to be my hyperfixation and she enabled it so yeah some shit happened between me and her and this other girl who pursued her too. i ended up being friends with the girl i competed with. i mean, kind of, i don't talk to either one of them at the moment. it was a whole thing. let's name this girl i got obsessed with mnlop and this girl i competed with, let's name her abcd. that's what my colleagues and i used to call them when we'd talk about them so let's just go with that. mnlop was 9 years older than me so go figure why i was at the time thought that i was acttracted to her. not to mention she was also kind of my boss. if you read up on me you should know i have a thing for older women and for women in power. in retrospect i know that my mental illness was in control of me in those times but yeah during those days i thought i was in love. but even when i thought that i found out i wasn't sexually attracted to her because i couldn't sleep with her. the funny thing is me and abcd ended up fucking around for a bit but we were also just friends in the end because we're too alike. we're even the same age and share the same birthday. anyway, abcd is now in a relationship which i am happy for her. she's always been a serial monogamist, that one. whereas i can't commit. i guess that's where we're different. also, mnlop has a fucking boyfriend now. i think she's a lot older than him. that's all i'm going to say about that.

en esta entrada voy a tratar excribir solamente en español porque me gustaría practicarlo mas. yo empecé ver este show llamado 'amar a muerte'. ayer te lo dije que he estado viendo los clips de juantina. quería entender el plot así que yo decidí ver el todo. lo parece interesante. espero que no me aburro con este show. todavia no he terminado orphan black. no se cuando lo terminaré.

candlelight is playing in the background. i'm blasting music so i can drown out the noise pollution that is outside. my oldest niece is here and she's on her normal annoying ass mode. she's 17. i don't hate her because she's family but i dislike her a great deal. she's the same niece i wrote about who used to steal my shit. the reason i dislike her is because her personality is garbage. she's a kleptomaniac, a compulsive liar, and she's just overall unpleasant. i can't blame her though considering how fucked her childhood has been. i try to be as understanding as i can with her now because we're much older but she's always been so insufferable. even more so now than ever. right now her main fucking life revolves around her having a relationship. she has a boyfriend and she's being overall irresponsible about the whole thing. she can't stay five seconds without mentioning her boyfriend and her peers and the shit they do. the way she talks also annoys me, she literally speaks so loud and shouts everything so everyone can here the bullshit she has to say. what i can't stand most about it is how easy it is for me to detect the lies in her stories like i know 80 percent of the shit that comes out her mouth are lies and i can't stand listening to it so yeah i am listening to some good music instead. oh and i forgot to add she's also an alco now. she smokes too, started when she was 14 i think. the stupid bitch is fucking up her life and i feel bad for her but her whole way of looking at the world has always been innate, like there's something in her that directs her to making bad decisions. i hope at least that she can turn her life around before it's too late. i'll be damned if this bitch turns up pregnant.

look, i know why she's the way she is from looking at it in a psychological point of view but i don't really want to get into breaking that down because all of you already knows that everyone is the way they are due to both nature and nurture and all. i feel for her, for real. still, i can't help myself from feeling aversion towards her and lack in interest in trying to maybe knock some sense into her. that's because i also am the way that i am because of the shit that happened to me. the way i deal with her is i literally just ignore her presence is all.

they didn't fucking call me again yesterday and now i'm fucking gutted and i don't feel like actually taking that shit seriously now. i don't want to go upstairs and stay there for signal and wait for their fucking call i'm over it.

i've done some updating on my site. mostly just tinkered with the mobile version. i'm so bored but at the same time i don't feel like doing anything important. feel me?

to update you in my current situation with my mom, well, we're talking again now. i can never get used to this dysfunctional family no matter how repetetive the series of events play out. anyway... i need a good show to watch so can you guys recommend me something good?

ugh i missed the call for my phone interview because there's no reception downstairs where i currently sleep in. i'm now in my actual room so i can wait for the call if they'd ever call me today. hopefully they do so i can get this shit over with. making it so hard to breathe ugh. anyway, i linked this site to my twitter but not vice versa for my own reasons. i'm supposed to be anon here but my face is on there so i don't fucking know i guess it makes no sense but whatever. i don't even use it that much. it isn't even my first twitter, i deleted mine due to the fact that i am a dumbass. i've only also just checked on it recently. there are so many hot lesbians in there and i low key just thirst over them.

if you're from twitter and you're reading this, well. i don't know what to tell you except please respect the fact that i am a basket case and that i way overspill on my thoughts and emotions and whereabouts and put them out publicly so that i don't feel so alone and somehow feel some sort of validation from people i don't know. if you wanna know me for some reason this is a digital extension of me so basically go stalk.

as for my neocities pals, i appreciate you guys. i just got 20k that's so cool!!! i don't update every 5 seconds anymore and it baffles me that there are actually people who click on this shit site and maybe even read the nonsense i write.

my sara lance figurine is like 60% done. the body is almost done i'm just waiting for it to dry so i can add the boobies and then the clothing details and shit. i made a lcdp ref magnet by sculpting the dali mask quite in a whim but i'm happy at how it looked like so far. i messed up the background but the face itself is quite nice. aside from those i also made some chibis and a few macaroon charms.

in other news i received an e-mail from a company i applied to out of boredom. i wasn't really sure if i want to move forwad with pursuing a job in their company at this time but anyway i received a pre assessment exam whatever the fuck and i had to do an english proficiency test which i totally aced by the way. i got a 149/150 and the reason for the one mistake is because i barely read the reading comprehension exams lmao. i also had to do a typing test in which i got 55wpm. i guess that's not bad. i am a faster typer than 55wpm but i guess that's good enough. i hope they e-mail me back instead of calling me on my number first because i don't have signal in the room i'm staying in which is kind of a bummer. i'm sort of looking forward to this now.

i don't talk about my 19 month old niece a lot in this journal but i want to write down that she's my main source of happiness these days. i love taking care of her and i love her little hugs and her laugh and her smile. toddlers are so precious.

hey. i didn't write yesterday! i meant to but i got super lazy to turn my laptop on. i did a fail ass figurine because i couldn't wait for things to completely dry and now its hair looks all messed up. it's not finished yet and i'm trying to salvage it. i'm optimistic about the one i started working on today though. i'm working on my sara lance figurine. i forgot how much patience this shit takes i'm fucking gutted most of the time. my back hurts from sitting all day too. i think it's worth it, i'll just keep being patient so i don't fuck it up.

i'm so tired. my anxiety is really bad. intrusive thoughts are coming left and right at every second. what's new? i just got used of it all at this point. i'm coping. i've been eating less though which is good. i mean i'm not starving myself but i'm following a schedule and it makes me less hungry. therefore, less binge eating and over eating in general. i'm going to go watch a few episodes of orphan black now while i wait for my phone to charge. laters.

i just finished watching work it and it's pretty good. i love movies like these. yesterday i watched vox lux and i meant to write about it but i guess i forgot? i love natalie portman so much. i used to go by 'mathilda' before because i was fixated on her character in leon the professional for quite a while. i mean i still am but not in a problematic way anymore. i even copped lolita's wardrobe. to be fair i never romantacized that shit but i digged the aesthetic way too much. fun fact this girl i used to date actually first talked to me about lolita. i had lolita as my cover photo on facebook and she told me it was her favourite too. she went on and started talking about it like... romanticizing it. she also praised the book and stuff. i haven't read the book so i don't know anything about that but i told her straight away that i don't really romantacize it and i just dig the style. that should have been a huge red flag but i was dumb and that was from another lifetime ago.

i think i'm going to watch another movie before going back to sleep. oh~i made miniature donut, ramen, and a polaroid camera charm. i'm still waiting for my tools as i said so i can't really do shit but i was bored. they look cute as fuck.

what movie should i watch?

my laptop is being slow as fuck and it's making it really annoying to update as often as i used to. here i am anyway. i'm drinking ginger and turmeric tea as i write this. i used to not like the taste of it but it's growing on me. i really just wanted to drink a hot beverage but i don't want to repeat yesterday's mistake of drinking coffee after i just woke up from a badly timed nap. i ended up not sleeping until 8pm today and i woke up at 12am. usually i can ignore the loud mouths of my family but i for some reason yesterday i just could not. anyway, today i made a small batch of clay and it turned out fine. i don't have my tools yet so i can't really make anything as of now and i'm out of practice so it might take a while for me to actually make something but i'm really excited. i just wish i hadn't waited five months into quarantine to start this.

not much has really been going on except for my chronic muscle pain being a burden. i'm also having vertigo which is scaring the fuck out of me but i'm pretty sure it's still because of my neck and spine and posture issues. i've also been getting a lot better at pubg mobile so hooray for that it's pathetic.

my friend tried to video chat with me awhile ago but i was sleeping. she says she just wants to talk and that she misses me. that's so thoughtful of her.

i feel empty at the moment so that should explain these entries.

have you ever stolen anything in your life? like, nicked a piece of candy, or lipstick from a store. i have never, believe it or not. i mean i used to scam people on habbo mostly by conspiring with another 14 year old but i don't think that really counts. stealing is so taboo here. in here when you steal you get branded as the worst person ever. that's if you get caught. everyone else does it anyhow.

i've been stolen from so many times. one time this work friend of mine stole cash from my wallet when i slept over at her place. she had another one of her friends sleep over too and she practically tried to blame it on them when i told her i was missing some money. i just got my salary that day. we were both having money problems so i figure that's why she did it. i didn't confront her about it but that really made me break my trust in her. which sucks because i had to share a room with her for two weeks when we did a job together at another city.

apart from being an overall problematic teenager, my oldest niece is also a thief. she's 17 now. she's stolen a lot from me over the years. money, perfume, art supplies, you name it. she just can't help but steal my shit. the worst thing is she doesn't even admit it. when she stole my favorite perfume, that was the last straw. from then on she was banned from my room, that little bitch.

my opinion on it is as long as you don't do it to a friend, or someone who's also in need, then i don't think it's the biggest crime. i've always wanted to try shoplifting, just because it seems fun to do. the rush of it, is what i'm interested in experiencing. like getting away with doing something quite bad. i mean i don't think it's even really that bad to steal lipstick from multimillion dollar companies but still/of course i'm never actually going to do it because i have too big of a conscience. i don't know why i'm talking about stealing. i think it's because i'm starting to watch a new show, trinkets. they all steal or some shit like that i've no idea yet.

another day. i fell asleep at around 5:30 am and woke up at 8:30 which sucks because that's going to fuck with my whole sleeping schedule. it's been really working out in my favor, this routine. i mean, for the most part. the downside is i've been sleep deprived recently because of my situation. everyone is so loud and my little one year old niece likes to come in my room in the middle of the day to be cute and annoying. i can't fucking wait until we're out of quarantine.

1/5 of my online orders came yesterday. i'm so excited for the rest of it. i don't know when i can get the fuck out of here so i might as well engage myself in something. i got to watch episode three of wentworth s8 yesterday. it was so good. i say that every time because it's the truth. i'm probably way biased at this point because of how emotionally attached i am with this show. there's another character introduced named judy bryant. her storyline is so intriguing. she was imprisoned for revealing government secrets apparently. she'a badass hacker of some sort so she's supposed to be really smart and not the kind to get incarcerated. well, she's not smart enough as it seems because she clearly missed that ann ratnolds was onto her. within one episode her laptop which contained all of her secrets were found by the NSO. she suspected her cell would be bugged so she turned it upside down trying to look for it and when she didn't find anything she became comfortable. it turns out it was allie's cell that was bugged. who did that? ratnolds. the fucking bitch was in bed with the NSO guy. this NSO dude really planted a terrorism plan thing on her laptop to set the poor judy bryant. she also threatened her with abuse and torture telling her he can take her off-shore and do whatever he wants until she cracks and gives the name of her sources. this goes to show how truly fucked the government is. i genuinely believe that shit happens in real life. i'm going on way too into detail about this show that you all probably don't know about but i like talking about it and i have no one to talk about it with so i'm just writing it down. going back to it, ann ratnolds is the new general manager whom i passionately dislike. she's corrupt as they come and she's making shit worse for all the women. i mean i'm not saying derek channing was in any way less corrupt, but at least he didn't make the women eat total garbage. she's probably embezzling.

enough wentworth talk, after i post this i'm going to go watch some episodes of orphan black before i go back to sleep. i'm on season 2 already. i'm guessing i'll sleep later than usual because i had a two hour nap but it should be fine. sorry this entry is sort of just a word vomit. i'm out of insights.

alright, i've been really dragging myself to try and make an entry because i don't feel like i have anything of value to talk about but it's supposed to be healthy for you. you know, writing down your thoughts, and feelings, and stuff. even when it's complete nonsensical rambling. so i'm deciding to commit to this somehow.

well, to start, my whole body physically hurts. mostly, my neck and back feels sore but it radiates everywhere. i also have trouble breathing still. i believe these are a mix of posture and anxiety issues. my lifestyle have been sedentary these past two months too, so that might also be it. another thing, my routine is back to this:

so yeah, it's kind of like how it was two months ago. except this time, i don't starve myself because i've decided not to be a complete fucking idiot. i didn't eat for a whole week when my mom and i last fought. mostly it was to spite her (it worked) but then i genuinely believed i was going to lose weight that way. i know. it was stupid.

i'm sleeping on another room instead of my own. i share this one with my adopted niece. this used to be my mom's room but she has her new room now. my mother literally renovated one single room in our house just so she can have her dream nice room. this is just another example of how much of a narcissist she is. the rest of our house looks like shit and the plumbing for our downstairs bathroom doesn't even work properly and it hasn't for like years now. anyway, the reason i sleep here is because i get to have someone else in the room with me. i can't sleep alone these days without waking up in a puddle of sweat and a thumping heart beat waking up from sleep paralysis. i even still have them nonetheless. that's where i am at right now. i can't even relax in my own fucking sleep.

on a much less depressing talk, i fucking love orphan black. i started rewatching it for the fourth time and it feels like i'm watching it for the first time because of how good it is. i also am patiently waiting for my online orders to arrive so i can be inspired again to make some fucking art. till then, my lazy routine should remain the same. i should end this entry now. they're having lunch outside. fuck these fuckers i'm going to sleep. well, in a bit.

i spent some of the last bit of my money shopping online for air dry clay and tools. this might be a result of me being a manic bitch and i might regret this later but i feel like channeling my artistic side once again is going to save me from losing my mind in this quarantine. i used to make charms and miniature stuff with clay when i was a lot younger. i didn't keep any of my creations because i suck at taking care of things but that's going to change. this is so unpractical and so like me but i'm not sorry because i am going to start doing something that i love. i can't wait to start making beautiful things again!

fucking hell. i don't know how to start this entry because i have absolutely no willpower of any kind right now. my mom and i got into a screaming match again this morning. well, more like, she screamed at me and i couldn't even talk because she starts hitting me if i dare open my mouth. it lasted a good two months of tiptoeing around each other but i wasn't able to control myself this morning. i don't want to go into the specifics of what went on. i know my faults. i know i have anger issues. but i have done a lot of controlling and she barely tried on her end. she pushes and pushes me until i can't hold myself any longer and then i'm the fucking bad guy. basically she started verbally attacking me. she was asking me to do something and i told her nicely that i'll do it when i wake up but she wouldn't stop fucking yapping on about how i'm not even busy with anything yet i can't find time. then she mentioned how i am not working and that just fucking triggered me because it's not like i'm actively choosing to not work. it's impossible to get a job right now and i know that she knows that considering she's the one who keeps on fucking encouraging me to stay at home because of the virus. i've been telling her time and time again that i want to go out for some interviews and she discouraging me saying it's too much risk and i should just be safe and stay at home. so why the fuck does she bring it up knowing how i feel about it. she's such a narcissistic and manipulative bitch and she always has been. she always finds a way to make me feel so small and inferior and i've understood that it's due to her own despair about how her life went on but i am fucking human and i can't always just take her shit. the fight started when i told her just to shut up and stop talking because she's pissing me off so much. she got so fucking angry and started shouting abuse at me and hitting me. she is so fucking mad that i keep telling her i'm not going to let her hurt me because god forbid i defend myself from her. like what kind of backwards thinking is that? i am the fucking devil in her eyes because i don't tolerate her antics as much as her other children. i'm fucking tired of how her mind works. you know why i don't even feel like finding a job? because she's made it a point that she's entitled to half of my salary. i don't even get to have a say in it unless i want to throw our relationship out the window. whenever i talk to her about moving out she guilts me out of it and tells me how ungrateful i am. she doesn't want me to have a life of my own. i can't enjoy my life because she so clearly wants me to always depend on her so she has some kind of power over me. she doesn't even realize what she's doing. in her mind she's fucking mother of the year. she's always so quick to fucking list all of the things she's done for me and all of the things i'm not. yet there were no complaints when i was giving her half of my earnings. i swear when i get the chance i will get the fuck out of here and make a life for myself. i had so many chances before to get away but it's so impossible when you're always being manipulated into staying close to your toxic family. i should just learn that this relationship is just too destructive. i keep trying for the sake of trying but maybe i should start to look out for myself. i can't handle her abuse anymore. i'm going to end up killing myself if i stay with these miserable people. i need everything to get back to normal. i can't even leave the house without a quarantine pass. i'm stuck. even if i could go out i have literally no where to go. my mental health is deteriorating everyday and i have a family who doesn't give a shit about it. my mom literally just mocks me and makes silly faces at me for trying to open up about it and explain myself. she's fucking crazy. now i am crazy for being around her all my life. i wish she hadn't given birth to me so i wouldn't have to deal with any of this but i bet regrets it just as much. i need to get out of here.

as i write this one of coworkers from hell hole, the one i'm good friends with, just messaged me out of nowhere and we video chatted on instagram. she sent me a screen shot of another coworker/friend who posted my photo she took of me without my knowledge and caption it "how are you, max?". my friend then proceeded to tell me a lot of my other friends miss me and that truly made my day less shitty i guess. i disappeared on them but it's nice to know they're still thinking of me every now and then.

currently watching grey's anatomy s14e13. i started rewatching this last year probably in september and i still haven't finished it. i mean i was working a lot back then. i have so much time right now. another thing, i'm on a back and forth discussion (through facebook comments, ) with the colleague that i mentioned in the previous entries about systematic oppression and all that. i commented on a meme he shared about poor people complaining about the government. i've typed very long sentences trying to make a point which i will not get elaborate here but the jist of it is that i tried telling that i do think the government is partly responsible for the growing population due to poor people being uneducated on sex and reproduction but that that there are also many factors that come into play(religious belief is an example, i think for my country, specially). his whole argument was basically him saying that he doesn't get why poor people are so ignorant about making a baby that they just don't know how to 'not cum inside their partners' knowing they won't be able to provide for a good future, or why poor people choose to have children. i really tried not to go over every single factor that i think was related to issue but i find it difficult to look at things with such an oversimplicity like he does. i mean there are so many things that explain why people make certain choices, or why people are in certain environments, or why they hold certain beliefs and points of view. i brought up the topic of systematic oppression amongst other things. he said that his point was very simple: both the government and the citizen should act; that these people shouldn't just rely on the government. i replied agreeing to him but bringing up that things don't always work out the way we think they should because again, there are too many factors at play. such as that systematic oppression affects every indivudual differently and we can't expect poor people to be the most level headed and intelligent about making life choices because of the environment they grew up in. he clearly voices out his frustrations on people who complain about the government so much yet refuse to grow up and be responsible. i finally replied with something along the lines of "we do what we can to help, if it works then good. if it doesn't... well. it's empowering not to give a shit about people we ultimately can't change."

honestly, i know i am part of the problem here as well. because i don't speak up or use my privelege enough to maybe educate people. i even told him this. i mean, we can't all be activists, and i'm not perfect, or even a decent person enough (at least at the moment, given my emotional stability) to actively speak up on these issues. but i guess i do empathize on these people even if i don't share their values and even if i don't agree with the way they navigate their lives. this whole discussion actually made me do some introspection and some self eval about how i should further educate myself on these topics so i can speak up more and engage myself in more conversations like these.

i can't be arsed to read proof so please don't mind my being incoherent i'm sleepy. i'm going to go make some fried rice now.

i slept all day today and now i have all of tonight to figure out what to do before i pass out in daylight again. what is my life right now? i watched episode two of wentworth today. it was amazing and i'm going to rewatch it again later. i hate my life right now. i've lost a considerable chunk of my will to become something over these few months. i'm brewing in my laziness over here.

i was planning to get a job this month but we were put back into some sort of enhanced quarantine bullshit which means transit are not operating and we can't get out if we're not frontliners or 'essential' workers? or something like that which is totally fucked.

i woke up at 3 am today. the day before, i woke up at 5 pm and then fell asleep at 11 pm last night i think. not so sure about the time. bottomline is that i've been sleeping a lot. i just finished taking a bath. i hit my head just about an hour ago actually. i saw a rat at the bathroom and panicked. low ceilings. it sucks being in the lower class. it hurts like shit.

aside from that unfortunate event, i spent the better half of the morning thinking about j. i think it's weird that i still cyber stalk her. it's even weirder to say i kind of miss her. we barely knew each other and i know she was just another one of my fixations. what i felt for her weren't at all genuine and i was obviously blindsided by my infatuation with her. yet, at that time, my those feelings felt so real. i remember this one morning after work. i had walked her outside like the gentleman i am so she can get a ride. she kissed me on the cheeks and at the time, that very moment was the highlight of my week and i remember just feeling so high on emotions. i wonder why she did that? she knew i liked her. she knew i had a crush on her. she also knows that i know she had a boyfriend. this was the reason i refrained from getting closer to her. sometimes i even acted like she didn't exist. yet every now and then she'd approach me and be all suggestive. all those times we were in the same environment i felt this weird tension between us. which is something i could entirely have made up in my head. i don't even know anymore. straight girls are strange.

i remember one of our last encounters together. we were laying beside each other (we were allowed to sleep at work if we couldn't handle the alcohol anymore). i had my back turned against her. we were sharing a piece of fabric as a blanket – a cape costume that one of the girls owned. it was damned cold there and we wore really short dresses. she hugged me from behind and i remember just freezing for a while, and then i put my hand on top of her arms. her face was so close to my neck i could feel her breathing against it. i pretended to be asleep the whole time.

whatever she's doing in her life i genuinely hope she's happy. she deserves it. she was kind to me. she didn't have to be but she was.

back to my life, and today. i'm going to go lay down for a while. that hit genuinely hurts it's not even funny. i may watch some brooklyn nine nine episodes while i'm at it. i'm running out of show to watch. should i maybe continue watching vis a vis? i wasn't into it. i only watched around three episodes. i just didn't like the vibe. what thank god it's teal tuesday today. at least i have this show to look forward too. i can't wait to see what happens next. i feel nauseous now. later.

i'm out here wondering what if i found out about this medium (neocities) earlier, specially when all the crazy drama was happening in my life 24/7. with work, and at home. specially at work. i've had the most drama at work. even when i was working a 'proper' job i managed to alway get myself caught up in a shitstorm of petty bullshit. prior to this i had a 'vent' account. you know, the app. but i didn't really use it much. i guess — and i've said this before — the only reason why i'm so active here is because nothing is happening in my life. it's probably good that i didn't have knowledge of this yet. because i know the shit that i went through are some that i would want to bury six feet deep. it would make for some interesting stories but writing them down as i experienced them would kind of solidify them as a real happening as opposed to a blurry flashback that i can pretend was just a dream. does that sound dramatic? i don't know. i guess i'm in a weird disposition this midnight. do you ever just get flashbacks of the shit you went through? the shit you've said in the past... the people you've associated with... the things you've done for those people... the things you've had to do...

i've never held any sentiment to almost everything that has happened in my life. in fact, i cringe at the past. i try to run as far away from it as possible. there are good memories, sure. what i don't understand about myself is why i only ever go back to the bad ones. the power these memories have over me is way beyond. i keep running away from them but maybe that's the problem. i need to confront them. the question now is how do i do that? man, it's hard. raw dogging life, i mean. i wish i didn't live in a third world country where mental health issues are thrown off the window. i'm strong though. i know it. i'm the most resilient person i know and this is not just my faint narcissism talking. i'll figure it out.

meanwhile i am bored. my boredom is competing with my laziness and lack of motivation and once my boredom wins, then, i will go out for some job interviews. only then. i fucking hate this corona virus for giving me an excuse not to go out because i'm taking a liking to being indoors too much. i'm not fond of people. i hate small talk. i hate interacting with anyone. period.

i guess when it's easy to make friends in real life it's so easy to get sick of them too. it's probably just me. i always talk about how i treat people like they're disposable but it's well, because they are. there are so many of them. so many of you. when i get out there again i'm going to hang out with a different set of you and find someone in particular or maybe two that i will be fixated with and try to impress in whatever way that i can and then i'd have to move on somewhere else eventually and then i'd find another set of people to hang out with and impress. there's absolutely no need to stay in touch with any of them for longer than they're relevant in my life. this is such a shitty way to talk about it honestly and it's not like i have no feelings for other people because i do. when i am your friend, i am there for you. except when i'm not, i guess.

why am writing all of this down? am i feeling guilty for cutting ties with so many people because now i feel lonely? it's not like i have no friends now. they're still there i just disappeared on them. why did i do that again? it's the fourth time i've done it. the first was after high school. the second was when i changed schools in college. the third was when i quit my first job. the fourth is well, now that i've quit my more recent job. why is it so easy for me to detach myself from people i've had so many memories with? people i've travelled with, people of whom i crashed the houses of, people i made out with, people i had sex with. what am i saying? of course i know why. deep down i'm just so afraid they'd get sick of me eventually and since i can't handle rejection i might as well be the first to dissociate. it's that. or it used to be that, and then it just got convenient. then, i started to realize how easily replaceable people are. i mean, the shallow relationships. which they always are in my case.

i'm rambling again. i know i make very little sense right now but i wanted to write something. i often think about my relationships with other people these days. i'm so aware of how people see me when they first get to know me until they actually do know me that i now just got used to navigating my environment the way i usually do. i like to hope things would be different next time. i just want someone i can connect with on a genuine level.

i thought of messaging an old friend because of this entry and he just replied. this one was suicidal as fuck and he's kind of shady in general but we understood each other in a way so i readded him on facebook to catch up. i couldn't help but check on him. he's taken a liking to fucking kpop. i need to save that dude from himself. i liked him better when he talked about violence and borderline psychopathic stuff. (i am just joking okay, to each their own i know). in all seriousness though, he seems to be happy and that makes me happy for him.

i'm spewing nonsense but when am i not. let me end this entry. we're talking now i literally just gave them an idea to create a neocities of his own and i feel like he's one of those types to make an edgy site. i'm all for it. why am i into this? this man has found an interest in something harmless and i'm talking to him about dark things. i mean, can you blame me? this is the only thing we bonded over on. anyway. he writes poetry so i thought he could share it here. why not?

i'm blushing so hard right now. nadia mohebban just replied to me twice on insta! she's like one of my favorite influencers and i have a huge gay crush on her! anyway, i woke up at 12am so i guess now i'm going to stay upall night. i'm going to go binge watch that little voice tv show she's in maybe. i genuinely want to watch it now that i know it's a show about someone who sings.

i'm currently watching some true crime story time by bailey sarian. i only recently found out about her channel and i am loving her so far. i know that i am very vocal about my passionate disliking for the true crime community but i genuinely am interested in true crime. i mean, not in an ava sharpe level but just enough that i enjoy watching and listening to stories about it every so often. when i say i dislike the true crime community i don't mean that i already don't like you if you're interested in true crime. (take a shot every time i say true crime) i know you know that i'm talking about a certain group of crazy fan girls/boys but i don't want to get into that.

i know that i changed my site design again but like what are you gonna do about it? i was bored which is an excuse i use very loosely these days. truly though, i think it's nicer. i can't find the artist for the pixel art background but i found it from this website which i linked to my homepage.

i'm writing this down on my phone so it's raw and fresh as i don't think it would be the same were i to write this a few hours later. my brother is fucking pissing me off so much. he's the worst human being to be around. i hate seeing his face. to cut the long story short, he pesters my mom for cigarettes every single day and i had talked about it to my mom. he was in the room but i act like he doesn't exist these days and barely even look him in the face. he's just like air to me. he's such a waste of space. anyway, he reacted to it with a "why don't you try to do chores once, huh?". i am so fucking furious that he had the nerve to tell me this when he literally have not worked a proper job in his whole entire life and had not contributed anything to the family? i have worked my ass off since i was 19 and i was giving my mom almost half of my salary. i don't need to do fucking chores in the house (we have an adopted niece who helps in the house). it's not like i do nothing. i cook for them a lot. he doesn't do anything except wash dishes at night. i got so pissed because he makes it seem as if i do nothing? if we weren't quarantined, i'd be back working and he'd still be in the same disposition. if he hadn't had walked out on me i would have blasted his fucking face with facts. reality check, loser. how old are you? 30? and you're jobless, you've no work experience to speak of, you're a fucking thief, have a melted fucking brain from all the meth you do, your family left you because you're a crap father, you have nothing in life to look forward to. don't be fucking talking to me about responsibilities. you truly are the most pathetic human being i ever had the displeasure of encountering. i regret fucking putting myself in the line for you when our uncle almost blew your face with a gun. you and i are nothing like each other. i look out for my family. you only look out for yourself. i've proved it since i was young when you left me out in the middle of the road with flood water right up to my neck. you're a worthless piece of shit. i have nightmares because of you. because of the both of you. you're just a waste of space in this earth. you don't deserve to be here. you're going to rot through the rest of your miserable life knowing that. how do you sleep at night? you're a waste.