it's bed time now. for me at least. and for my niece, it's nap time. she's right beside me. she's the most precious thing ever, before she fell asleep, she tossed and turned and made funny faces trying to fight through the drowsiness. i love her.
as per my site, im collecting buttons now so i can share the other sites i enjoy. when i wake up later i will put them up. don't know where though.

i just had specific panic attack a little while ago. it was short, three minutes i think. but it was just as scary as the last one. which i had about two years ago, by the way. i tried to calm myself by doing jumping jacks and laying down on my stomach. it's passed but i'm still alarmed. this isn't cute at all. my mother's up now. well actually, i woke her up. she's talking about a dream she had in which my dead father was holding her hand. i tell her it doesn't mean anything.

undrunk is playing in the background as i right write(ugh why the fuck do i do this with words that sound the same can someone explain this to me is there something you call this because i've always done this) this and it's bringing back really uncomfortable memories. i have this thing wherein certain songs have very specific memories attached to them... but let's not get into that right now. i feel very sleepy but i am to cook food for the family at around 3 pm so i guess i'll have to stay up till then. i don't know if i want to take a nap in between because it triggers my migraine when i force myself to wakeup not having had enough sleep. anyhow, i have been reading through my journal entries and i realize they're all written in a state of half awakenness so i apologize if my sentences are weirdedly phrased and come across unorganized. why am i explaining myself? i don't care. my back hurts again. let me take a break and lay down now.
~oh, i just remembered. season 17 of grey's is starting off soon and i just want to say that i'm only watching it out of obligation at this point. yes it may be my second favorite tv show after wentworth (a show that i worship) but it has honestly gone too long at this point and they've pretty much booted off the love of my life a.k.a arizona robbins so i am not too excited about it.

i slept for like 6.5 hours which is alright i guess. i did try to go back to sleep a little longer but i just couldn't. anyway, i'm doing some more designing for this website and i am absolutely pumped with where i'm at so far. brackets has been really helpful as i don't have to update every second to see the changes.

yesterday i woke up at around 6:30 pm and i am still awake. i haven't eaten in 24 hours. (not starving myself, by the way. my body didn't need to eat today because i ate so much yesterday. plus, i'm pretty much intermittent fasting these days. it's just my eating schedule.) i also pretty much haven't gotten up from a desk today, doing well... this. i'm thoroughly enjoying making this but my addictive and manic tendencies are manifesting and that's not something i am too proud of. about a month ago i worked out everyday and now i spend hours and hours sitting down and sleep deprived. i wish i could just go around life with balance. this is not cute. goddamn.
about my site, it's almost coming together now. initially, the idea was for a design with a nostalgic feel, but i kind of swayed a bit away from that during the process. there is something about pastels that just, looks so damn good to me. if you look around you may also notice that i couldn't stick with one layout and design so there's not a lot of consistency and continuity within the different pages but i am quite okay with that. there's still so many more things i have in mind to do here. maybe after this process is all well and done i can talk more about my life rather than... this. perhaps this exhibits layers in my character. so, well, you can see how i am when i put my mind into something. it consumes me. this happens in all aspects of my life. as i've said, such a bittersweet feeling. this is getting all too common for me.

guess how many times I've had to redo my web lay out????? more than three!!!!!!! and for someone with my knowledge on css it wasn't easy! it took me hours and i am so exhausted. note to self: please back up your files goddamnit!

i'm still working on my web pages. i'm learning so much. i just finished a quick meal too. why do i add sugar to savory foods? but not add sugar to my beverage. (most of the time) for example, this meal i cooked was some corned beef from a can and i like to add some sugar in it. is that weird and gross? who cares i like it. i know not to cook like that when other people eats my food, but i have a really weird taste bud so i have to do it to my meal. speaking of eating, feel like i will start binging and i'm trying to rationalize with myself out of it. btw, if you, for some sick reason, romantacize the columbine shooters/shooting and make it a part of your edgy teen persona to idolise them, get some fucking help. you're sick and you disgust me. stop following the footstep of those viral web pages featured in ready to glare's videos. it's not a fucking trend or aesthetic you should be riding on. those are some real people who are sick. that's all.

here i go again with sleeping in daylight. my sleep patterns go a full circle these days and i wish they didn't. i guess i am really living up to my code name. "one who stays awake all night." sigh. should i just abandon sleep and stay awake as long as i can? i mean, i think i may already be doing that right now. i can't help it.
meanwhile, i haven't watched more than an episode of a tv series today. i feel incomplete. but there's just this other thing that i'm hyperfixated to right now. this thing. this is what consumes me right now and i know i will cling on to the feeling... i will cling on to anything for a feeling at this point.

Oh god. I was in front of my computer for 16 hours today(in between breaks) My back and joints hurt,my eyes are dry. I haven't done something in a while that engrossed me to this extent. I forgot what it does to me. Anyway, I started watching DC's Legends of Tommorow yesterday because of its gayness but I have no idea what I'm watching because I don't follow DC storyline which sucks because I would like to understand what's going on with a tv show I'm watching.

Updating this website is all I've done all day. There's always a bittersweet feeling tangled with hyperfixations like this one. I know I'll forget about this one day and be lazy with it but today this is what my day consists of.

This is my first official entry. HTMLing is doing my head in. Last night(or morning) I went to bed at 9 am. It doesn't help that I've no skill on it and have retained nothing from all those courses I took in college. I have no idea where this will go. I guess we'll see...