okay i just had a flashback of this one time in college. i was sixteen. (yes i went to college at sixteen, no i'm not smart. i mean i am but it's also just the education system.) i think it was the first few days of class and i was kind of hot shit in this school but that's beside the point. anyway, this ICT college professor of mine had that kind of personality where he'd act like he's just as old as the rest of us. like he's pretty chill but i got an off vibe about him for some reason. one time he was joking in front of the class and he put his hand on my shoulder and i literally flinched or like leaned away and i guess that made him feel bad or embarassed because i had acted disgusted but am i wrong to think that's a bit inappropriate? like i am sixteen dude get your fucking man hands off me. it was a reflex reaction too. he's literally given me the cold shoulder for the rest of the semester and i think it's because of that. i don't know why i suddenly remembered this. i'm trying to picture his face but i can't. i drank way too much alcohol too often in this period of my life that everything is just a blur. everything in the last five years, for that matter. well, to be fair i don't think i started drinking after second semester. still, i can't remember a lot of the faces of people i encountered during this time. i guess none of them made much impact on me.

it was around 4 am. this colleague of mine took the same route going home from work so we would commute together. i don't remember if we had a drink on this particular day but i remember we had stopped over under a highway bridge somewhere where we smoked. we were talking about work and all that drama about our boss. i remember sort of defending our boss in a way. i mean, i wasn't choosing sides. anyway, she asked me something i'd never forget.

"you know, sometimes max, i truly don't know just where your loyalty lies."

...

"my loyalty lies with myself..." i answered, almost immediately. she semmed to have been almost caught off guard with that answer and she kind of agreed with it.

the person who asked me this was someone who is manipulative and gaslighting and i think the reason why i can't forget this part of that whole conversation is because it sums up our whole relationship. she probably thought she could manipulate me into sharing her opinion but i just am not that kind of person.

i was drunk, but not enough. in my phone case i kept a blade. i took it. i sat on the makeshift beds and i just kept making lines along my thighs. stroke after stroke. i did have a history with self harming but i am willing to admit that a bigger part of me did it for attention. like some sort of a cry for help. everyone excuses the vulnerable, so it seemed to me. that's why i did it. i don't even remember what exactly (aside from getting attention) triggered it. everyone who was there, made a circle around me. they all were trying to stop me but i have checked out, i was somewhere else. i wasn't hearing any of them. at that moment i wasn't feeling anything physically or emotionally. i looked up, everyone cared. everyone wanted me to stop. everyone kept comforting me. she kept comforting me. that's all i ever wanted at the time. it felt amazing. the next day everyone kept checking on me. even though i'm not someone who is invisible on any other day, i still liked that kind of attention i got. that was the first time it happened at work. i did it again i think twice. the last time i did it i got fired (temporarily) so i could get myself together.

i no longer cut, i don't plan to. i think it's pathetic, it's lame, and it's a weak thing to do. but i'm scared. i'm scared that at some point in the future i'll have a hunger and a need for that level of attention and care from people again.

there's this girl who had a twin that i was classmates with. she had a mannerism of playing with other people's ears and i always let her play with my ear. i forgot what her name is. i wish i could remember. i'm the worst with names unless it's someone i totally detest. i think i may lowkey have had a crush on her now that i think about it.

another drunken night i had just gotten out of a vip area. i sat on the hallway. i think the alcohol was starting to do my head in because i remember i complained out loud. this girl , one of my co workers but not a friend of mine, was sitting right next to me, and she replied out of nowhere, "this is just what you need." and then grabbed my face and kissed me on the lips. not aggressively, just a peck. i didn't get to react or anything. i wasn't even caught off guard at that point. it's what girls like to do there anyway, it's not like it's the first time something like that happened.

*** had been insisting that i join his band. he said i could sing, and that they needed a vocalist. i told him i couldn't. he insists i could, tells me to trust him because 'he knows'. he convinced me into being open to the idea. one day i told him if i did want to join his band, that i wanted to sing this song:

he listened to it, said it was a done deal and he already knows how to play it. he knew exactly who it was about.
"this is about *** isn't it?"
... "kind of"
"yeah it's obvious..."
we both laughed but i think deep inside he never really understood me or why i liked who i liked... but he kept around.
we never got to form that band... because i didn't have the time... because i was already being introduced to 'my new life' and it was all too much and i was having a lot of fun. i always promised we'd meet up on a saturday night at a studio somewhere but i could never commit. before i deleted facebook, he'd already blocked me. i'm sure it was his wife that made him do it. i really just wanted a friend. he had something else in mind.

there i was laying down on the makeshift bed of our workplace glued to my phone, or maybe i was half asleep. can't remember, i was kind of drunk. what i do remember was that i was waiting for my mates so we can all go home together. ***** laid on top of me to try and pick me up "let's go home" she said as she burrows her face into my neck. "you always smell so good" she told me. i told her i don't. i never know how to accept compliments... i think we stayed in that position for awhile. or maybe it was all in my head. eventually i got up and we all went home. the same girl always sticks her face on my neck to smell me for some reason and one time kissed me out of nowhere-- something that was not like her at all. she likes to ask me for my perfume too so she can wear it. i had a crush on her for the majority of my time working 'there'. she has a husband and three kids. don't know if i'll ever talk to her again.