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  • september, 2020



    09/29/20 4:15 am

    i feel like i've run out of ways to talk about myself on here. that explains the lack of updates. i'm working. i'll come back to this later. i really need to get on my personal laptop. it's still being a pain in my ass. i need to save for a new computer.




    09/27/20 7:03 pm

    hey bitches. it's my day off today. as per usual, i spent it sleeping most of it off. i woke up today at almost 6 pm. now i'm cooking some food. it smells so damn good right now. i think i lost about 3 pounds since going vegetarian. i wasn't even trying to lose weight. i' ve just been eating enough, if not more. i did want to lose some weight before but nothing worked, and now this. awesome.

    i also want to write this down because i want it off my mind: i am currently hypersexual as heck. my porn addiction is coming back, i think. i also don't feel really good about how i hyperfixate on older women too much. like they are so attractive to me i don't know what to do. the other day i found out about this porn star named magdalene st. michaels and i can't stop thinking about her and fantasizing about her. it's really annoying. i don't like that i am attracted to older women because usually people who are attracted to me are either younger than me or just around the same age. older women on the other hand, are always so unavailable to me. plus, hot older women barely exists in my area. how can i get over this?




    09/23/20 12:50 am

    i have ten minutes of my lunch break left before i go back to work so i'm going to make this quick. i started watching ratched the other day and i'm currently on the scene at episode 7 where mildred is confessing her love and it's so fucking hot. i love the angstiness of it. this is a good goddamn show. i fucking love sarah paulson. rosanna arquette too. she's ageless.

    to update you on my decision to be plant-based: yes i am still keeping up with it and i feel amazing. after i get my first pay check i will go full vegan instead of just vegetarian. i love cooking and it makes every meal plan so exciting. i feel a lot better in general. i've always wanted to go plant based since 2015 and i'm glad i now feel committed to it.




    09/19/20 11:00 pm

    hello. it's my day off today and tomorrow. i woke up at 6 pm and then fell asleep at like 8 while watching grey's anatomy with my mom and niece. i think i was sleepy because i took some medication for my cold. i woke up at 10:46 and now i'm wide awake with nothing to do. i reckon i'll just watch some netflix till the sun rises. i made a carrd btw check it out. it took me like 50 seconds to make cause it has a web builder. i just wanted a one stop site for all my www links. i have yet to add my other links to it though. which reminds me, i should probably do that. i linked it to my facebook account and my neocities is linked in there too so i guess i'm throwing anonymity out of the window. well, the thing is i don't think my friends there would really care to check anyway. if they do and come across this site somehow, then i'm not responsible for how they take all this in.




    09/18/20 7:46 pm

    hi.i wanted to write here before going to work. it's going to be my day off tomorrow so that's cool. my mom is on season 3 of grey's anatomy now. well of course i've watched it over five times but it's nice to watch it with her. i'm still meat free. i feel so much better. it's probably placebo but it's good nonetheless. i can't wait to get paid so i can buy some yerba mate. it's quite expensive especially the gourd for it but i want it!!!! i'm also thinking of getting an air frier but i probably won't get that until next pay. there's so much i want to buy. this entry is all over the place, forgive me.




    09/16/20 7:43 pm

    hi. i'm about to start work in a few minutes. i really need to update other pages of my site but i just haven't found the time for it. my personal laptop is also being a pain so it's not totally encouraging to turn it on and work on this. there's also not much to share. well, i've been vegetarian for five whole days except broth as i've previously mentioned. i already feel a lot better emotionally. like... stable. weird.

    on an unrelated note, my previous co workers started adding me on facebook and reaching out to me asking where i've been. this other girl even posted about me with a collage of our photos and says she misses me. it's so weird. i haven't thought about any of them. i accepted most of them but i don't think i'll be keeping in touch with them. i have a whole different life now and they're not a part of it but they are welcome to check on me from time to time.

    i miss being creative here and updating every second but i've got a job now and i'm busy most of the time but i'll make sure to keep this site as active as possible.




    09/13/20 11:13 pm

    hi. i haven't updated in three days i know i suck. it's because my laptop, my personal laptop, is being a pain in my ass. it's my day off today. i get to have saturday and sunday off but i had work yesterday. i'm still in training so it's not stressful yet. it's weird working from home. i don't know, it just doesn't seem official. but it is. maybe that's the reason i haven't been on top of my game lately. it hasn't been too easy having to adjust to my schedule because i work a graveyard shift and although i like that i haven't really been staying up past 6 am until i started working recently. i have also cut off coffee so that doesn't help at all. so yeah, fatigue and impostor syndrome. that about sums it up for my work update.

    on the better news though, i haven't had any meat for four days except for fish and beef broth. i feel really good about it. i feel like i can keep up with this.

    i'm watching grey's anatomy with my mom right now and we're on season 2x19. i don't know how to feel when all the gay starts happening on this show. it's going to be awkward for sure.




    09/10/20 8:25 pm

    hello. i didn't update yesterday again because of the same reason but i received my equipments for work and i'm about to start my first day of work in less than an hour. i am writing this with the laptop issued to us by the company. i hope it's not wired or some techie shit like that. anyway, i don't feel nervous but i am a little excited. i am in my other room upstairs so that i'll have it to myself but i reckon i will move downstairs later when everyone's sleeping. by the way, i'm looking into going on a plant based diet just to be healthier and i'm kind of stoked for that too. i've wanted to be plant based since 2015 but i just found it hard to start. hopefully i get on with it now that i'll have more time and money to prepare food for myself. i banged my head again today ugh. it's not as hard as the last time but it hurts still i am so pissed i'm not even tall i am literally 5'1. i'm going to go make myself some turmeric and ginger tea now and just wait until it's time to attend my zoom meeting.




    09/08/20 11:15 pm

    hello. i'm sorry i skipped two days. it's something i hadn't done because i'm usually so keen on updating this but i wasn't feeling up to it lately. my anxiety is really bad. my shallow breathing is worse and i don't know if it's because of my anxiety or if it's something else but it's making my anxiety so much worse hence the lack of motivation to update. i start work on the 10th. that's two days from now and i don't know how to feel about it. tomorrow i receive my equipments for work. just another set of laptop and headset i think. i am looking forward to having a routine and some responsibilities. i think it will avert my focus which is something that i really need right now. i am stoked about earning again and i think i will buy a red mi band 5 as soon as i get my first salary. i also want to get close to the bone by lrr but i don't know whether to get the audiobook or the hard copy for more of a remembrance. i'll think on it. there's nothing much to report on because my days have been really bland. i took a long ass nap and woke up at 8:30 pm today so it means i have all night to be all anxious as per usual. i hate this.




    09/05/20 7:17 pm

    hey. i didn't write here yesterday, sorry. if i'm being honest i was feeling a bit lazy and there wasn't much to report on anyway. i haven't been feeling like updating recently and it's because my laptop is so annoyingly slow and it's making the whole process dreadful. it's only 7pm but i want to write now because i already have my turmeric tea and i like writing when i'm drinking a hot beverage. today i finally signed a contract with my employer. it feels awesome to finally get back to work. i'll be working from home too which is extra amazing. i'm excited. i got my mom to watch grey's anatomy. that means i have to rewatch it with her too. i don't know why i want people to watch the same tv shows i watch. i guess i just want us to have more in common or something to talk about.

    i found out one of my favourite youtubers passed away. it's truly sad. i have been watching them since 2013 and they seem like the most genuinely kind person and it's really very sad.

    something to note: i started putting on this lavander sleep cream on my chest and back and shoulders before sleep and i haven't had a nightmare which is awesome.




    09/03/20 10:33 pm

    hello! today was quite good. our 65" samsung smart tv came today!! i managed to convince my mom to get netflix and now we have one again. i watched three movies today as a result. first was ballerina, it was good and quite honestly made me tear up a bit. the next one was matilda, i had rewatched it with my nephew and he saw it for the first time. he really liked it. the next one i watched alone. it's this movie called 'the mask' i remember watching this movie multiple times when i was much, much younger but i remember it so differently. one scene i couldn't forget was the cameron dream (one where he wakes up with his ear lobes being licked) because i feel like that had been one of my sexual awakenings. speaking of sexual awakenings, i remember being an overly sexual child which is so weird because i don't think i'm that sexual at all these days. anyway, back to my day. i'm still waiting for an update about my employment. i'm getting so anxious about it but also excited to work again!

    oh, also, my niece (the one who's almost 2) bit her tongue today and she bled a lot, poor thing! she's recovered now though and i was just playing with her upstairs before i went down to go to bed. of course we all know it will take me hours to actually go to sleep. hopefully this turmeric tea will help me sleep better. i put some low fat milk in it and it's honestly not that bad. i'd give it a 7/10.




    09/02/20 10:25 pm

    i like this. right now it's quiet again already. it's so loud here during the day that i really appreciate this hour when everyone's already off to sleep. anyway, today i was in another zoom meeting with my recruiter and we discussed contracts and shit like that. i haven't signed any contracts yet which means i'm not yet officially employed but i'm only waiting on the background check. for some reason i feel nervous about that bit even though i know i am not shady and don't have any bad track records. it's my anxiety, it's fine. i learned about how much my salary is. it's of course lower than my hell hole job but 3k higher than my job before that.

    in other news, my previous colleague/friend just confessed his feelings for me... and honestly, men telling me they like me and this kind of shit happens to me every time but right now i'm not sure how to even handle it anymore. it made me laugh at first but now i am just pissed because why can't men just be friends with me and not want something else from me like???? literally every guy that i've ever been friends with have had this innuendo and it's getting fucking annoying. i like him as a person and i mean i always kind of knew he liked me in that way but i just wish he didn't tell me so we can just stay friends. i don't fucking understand men. i am not trying to sound like a stuck up bitch and i'm not trying to sound like i'm full of myself but i really never appreciated this kind of attention that i get from men who try to be my friend at first. i really don't want to date men. not to mention i'm not attracted to this particular one. whatever. i don't know what to do with him. he just told me i might block him and it would be okay but i don't want to do that. i guess i'll just not reply or take longer. he knows i like women. i don't know why he's doing this.




    09/01/20 10:00 pm

    alright. it's pretty much quiet already and i have my ginger lemon tea here with me. let's go over today, why don't we? i woke up at 10:45 to an email from my recruiter that i was to have a zoom meeting at 12pm. i don't know why but for some reason—knowing that i wasn't going to be face to face with anyone—i still took an early shower and even put on make up and wore perfume. it was funny, but i guess i did it so i can put myself in the mood. the meeting was over zoom call and it lasted about 50 minutes. it was just to break down and explain the requirements that we needed to send out. i think everything's well and in order and i just have to wait for another update. so far i know that i will start training on september 10. that is only 9 days from now so i expect to be a lot busier and in result my site may not be updated as much. i will try to keep being consistent with this though.

    as for the rest of my day, i didn't watch any episodes today. nada. i wasn't really feeling up to it for some reason which is unlike me because i love watching series. i did end up working on my current project. she's looking quite nice. still a long way to go, but i am optimistic about it. i'm trying not to rush like i did with my previous works and it looks like it's paying off. the thing about working with air dry clay is that it requires a lot of patience. something that i don't have too much of. but i am practicing and this surely helps.

    i haven't acknowledged that this is my first entry for september and oh my god time flies by so fast. my mother is already starting to talk about putting christmas decorations. i really don't care for christmas anymore so it's whatever. i think that's it for today. i'm going to go watch youtube now. or play pubg mobile.




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