i was gone for a while. i was lost. i had a break. i think? i don't know. i relapsed is the truth. i just started drinking a lot again. i stopped eating plant based, i started binging. it's a whole thing. i'm in a better disposition now which is why i'm here. i don't know. i want to be better. it's the new year. almost. the new year is better. i feel it.

my phone got here yesterday and i meant to update but i was lazy. it's good. i still got an android because iphones are a waste of money. the only good thing about them are the cameras which actually almost made me think about buying an iphone for once but i had better judgment at the end of the day.

i slept for what seems like 16 hours last night. i'm just on episode 2 of life is strange so i don't think i'll get to finish it as planned. i can't wait for my salary. i need to buy an essential oil diffuser.

i ordered a phone online and i think i'm getting it today i can't wait. i borrowed money from my mom to get it which means i'm in higher debt to her so that's cool. yeah, no. i need to really start thinking about saving money next year. online shopping really doesn't help with that and i need to learn how to manage it.

it's my day off and i don't really have anything to do but i woke up at 5:30 am today and i took a bath right away because i wanted to, plus i really love this soap i got it. i'm just watching youtube now but i feel like i might go back to sleep. then i'll play life is strange: before the storm when i wake up. i played life is strange on the ps4 and i really liked it. i downloaded the prequel some days ago and i started playing it a little. i'm still on episode one but i plan to finish the whole thing in the next two days.

i just realised i watch movies a lot more during december and i think that has to do with christmas. speaking of movies, i watched happiest season the other day and i loved it so much. i fucking love aubrey plaza in this movie. i think she's about to be my new obsession which is really not good because the girl i got in a fight with last year who assaulted me, looks kind of like the ugly version of her. it's making it really difficult to fantasize about her lmfao. i also watched princess switch part 2 and den of thieves (barely, it was boring as fuck. i only watched cause i saw pablo schreider starred in it). oh oh and i have been binge watching forensic files which will be off netflix on the 31st i think. i need to finish it before then but i don't think i will. i'll probably watch it somewhere else once it's off netflix.

i was late for the second half of my shift yesterday for a whole hour because i fell asleep. it's the first time i've actually been late. i need to not sleep during my break because it's going to get me into trouble. i feel so sleepy during that hour though so i don't know how to deal. whatever.

i watched princess switch part 2 — not as good as the first one if you ask me. i'm also playing fortnite because i kind of like it now. i still don't know how to build though so there's that. my back hurts so much all the time and i have to sit for hours at a day. i have less than 3 hours left before going to work. i don't know if i should watch another movie or what. that's really it for today. oh, i made lentil soup which i ate all day. it was that good.

i broke my sobriety some days ago and yesterday i had a bit much to drink. i mean, too much for someone who's working at the same time. i suddenly remembered why i'm sober. i don't like how alcohol makes me feel the next day. i'll finish the beer i have in my fridge and then i'll abstain again. for as long as i could anyway.

yesterday on cuddle i talked to lots of other people and mostly it was fun but then these ugly bitches who so clearly try very hard to be alt started making fun of my voice. which honestly, i've gotten used to. it just so bothers me when girls are like that to other girls you know. you can just feel how insecure they are through their vibe. these girls are from my country too. i'm not too bothered about my speaking voice, honestly. i have a pretty good singing voice and i'm just happy to have a nice face, you know? why do people have to take other people down, i don't know. i feel sad for them, really. i went on another chat after that and this guy thought i was australian or british for some reason? he told me that i sound like my native language is english but i don't sound american? which bothered me quite a bit. because i feel like the other girls were actually making fun of my accents too and i hadn't noticed. the thing is i already know that my accent is kind of weird because i watch a lot of tv and basically fell asleep to wentworth way back then. so there are some words that i pronounce differently but i don't think i have a british accent. at least i never noticed? the last thing i want for people to think is i'm trying to fake an accent when i'm always so transparent about where i'm from, you know? i didn't know i could get away with people thinking i'm from somewhere else. i don't know. it made me just kind of self conscious in my accent. if anything, i want to have no accent at all. by that i mean, i want to have as close to an american accent as possible. maybe i'll try actually practicing how to speak with an american accent.

on a different topic, i'm thinking of getting the redmi note 9s as my new phone. i was never an iphone person and i just don't think they're worth anything at all. i looked into the specs of 9s and it was good enough for its price. i might get that.

i'm on this app called cuddle and it's like a voice chat thing. it's kind of fun. i have work in two hours and i was just about to sleep but i couldn't so i guess i'm just going to work with no sleep at all. not fun.

anyway if you want to talk to people go download cuddle. it's fun to talk to strangers lol i am so bored.

skyrim got me fucked up it is so damn hard!!!! fun though, but i can't play any more than two hours at a time cause i get too frustrated i need to cool off. i got my ac fixed! i can finally get used to sleeping here again. i also ordered some air purifier online just because i feel like i need it for my room because it gets so dusty here overtime. my room is coming together and i love it. i need to slow down on the online shopping though, i haven't been able to save up because i had this project and i just need it to be over with. not to mention my fucking phone decided to be broken like i don't already have other expenses to think about. i need to save up for a new phone and it's not helping that my mom's like entitled to half of my salary. i told her i might not give her as much because i need to buy a new phone and she gets mad but that's expected. aside from me giving her some of my salary, i also pay her my debt which i'm not even halfway done paying. so yeah, i'm in a bit of a pickle but i'll get out of it. i mostly am just stressed about this goddamn phone though. it's so annoying that i now have to spend money on it ugh. i've only had the phone for two years and i've not been very careful with it so i guess it's expected. but really, now? i'm hella annoyed. it's not like i can put off buying a phone for a few more months because it's like a necessity nowaday.

i forgot to add, my fucking glasses got broken too just earlier today when they installed my ac! fucking hell. it's fine. i'm fine. this is alright, i just need to prioritise necessity over wants. for example, i really want to buy that rainbow lamp and those other room decorations, and also i want to finally order lrr's book, but fucking necessities have to come first. so i need to put the wants aside for awhile.