updates, mind dump, short rants, vents etc.
11/9/2021
started my new job last monday. it's going okay so far. excited for my first pay lmao.
22/8/2021
suicidal as fuck but like what's new lol i start my working again at my new job who pays like half from the one i resigned from after 8 days lol how stupid am i? also i stopped taking medication because all it makes me do is eat and i don't want to get fat blah. also my mom is so fucking emotionally abusive and i need to give up hope that she will ever change. she blows everything out of proportion and plays the victim at the end of every argument. i hate her right now. i want to move out. i have to or else i am going to literally kill myself just to spite her. like i literally plan to unalive just so i can spite her because of how abusive she is but she already thinks she's mother of the year and like she already told me multiple times she wanted to kill me so i don't think if i do kms that she's going to even mourn lol. so i probs won't do that. i'll get out of here instead and live a good life without her. it just sucks so much because it means i have to be away from my niece and i love her so much. ugh. i don't know. i know my mom is a person with her own trauma but it doesn't give her the right to treat me like garbage. she basically says to me every time that because she is the mother she can tell me literally anything and i just have to take it. my mom is so good when you agree with her views and opinions but when you imply that you remotely disagree with her she fucking goes bunta and suddenly i am the most ungrateful daughter ever. literally every small thing is a fight with her unless you agree to what she says. it fucking sucks to be here. she's so narcissistic and she has a victim complex. i want to be out of this environment. i tried my best to build a relationship with her but nothing works because i can't change myself for her and she obviously does not relate to me at all. i just need an out. i need to save and move to another town a plane ride away. that's my plan. hopefully by next year i get to do that. anyway, now i don't eat except at midnight since we had a huge fight the other day. i eat once a day because i can't stand being outside and being seen by her. i obviously have money and i can move out of here right now if i want to but the pandemic is making it difficult to go out let alone look for a place. i'm just not going to give her any money from my salary when i start working again so i can save up more. i'm over her bullshit at this point. it took me 22 years but i think i am finally over it.
15/7/2021
scrapping this so i can use it again smfh anyways listen to this it's been my favorite for years